Happy birthday, Lola Suellen.

To my Lola Suellen Coruna Escribano. 

I never got the chance to meet you, but your spirit lives within me. 

It was my Lola Suellen’s birthday last month. February 9, 1945. Happy birthday, Lola Suellen. Aquarius queen. This is my love letter to you, and to myself.

6:03 am 

   the sun rises and i wake, realizing that you visited me in my dreams.

6:07 am

   i try to recollect what happened, what you said, what you smelled like, what your touch felt like.

6:10

   i can’t remember. but then the singing birds bring me back into consciousness of the earth realm. the day must begin.

6:30 

  i crawl out of bed, brush my teeth, and wash my face. the only thing on my mind is trying to remember you in my dreams. but i can’t remember.

7:00

  i’m at the gym. upper body day. i remind myself to breathe through every set. i sit in the sauna after and take a few deep breaths to ground me for the day.

9:00

   i shower, moisturize my body, eat breakfast, and start my day with reading my book and journaling. 

9:30

   Be Not Afraid of Love by Mimi Zhu is what i’m reading. i’m reading about how grief, anxiety, anger, and numbness shows up in our mind, body, and soul from experiences of trauma.  how it’s individual, generational, and systemic. i think about how my mom grieves you. how she’s grieved an intimate, consistent, relationship with you since she was eight years old; but never really having the tools, support, or resources to grieve you in a healthy and transformational way. i’ve seen how the continued, unprocessed grief has almost immobilized, and sometimes consumed my mom’s mind… turning into days filled with anxiousness and projection. 

10:30

   i cry for your daughter frequently. knowing how her true spirit is filled with so much love, compassion, and creativity but how it’s been shape shifted into something different because of the inability to properly process how her childhood has truly impacted her adulthood. nonetheless, she takes a lot after you, and, so do my sister and i.  

11:00

   i know you can see, and feel, how much Ate (pronounced as ah-teh; meaning big sister in Tagalog) and i take after you and continue to allow your spirit to guide us into our truest selves. ate is a movement dancer, designer, and architect. when i watch her dance, i can feel your spirit guiding her movements and honoring her body as a temple. i’m a writer and photographer, and have found that my deepest purpose is to disrupt systems that continue to perpetuate violence and oppression onto our Black and Brown people. i thank you for giving me the ability to feel so deeply, and to never be desensitized to the injustices that our systems place upon us. i thank you for valuing human life, love, and solidarity with what continues to move our communities forward. 

12:00 pm

  because of you and the women before you, i’m able to take deep breaths and root myself in spirit and sunlight. i’m able to listen to my body. your spirit has given me the space and grace to unapologetically live in my true purpose, no matter how much it may defy certain expectations. it’s given me the freedom to rest without guilt; knowing that rest is necessary for revolutionary work.  i can feel that you were so secure in your purpose and ideas in the world. your love for our people and country was undeniable and contagious. you were able to see the beauty in the depths of darkness that ruled our motherland, and resisted with love, art, and community. i create because of you. i resist in solidarity because of you. i see myself because of you. 

1:00

  to be deeply connected to you is to be deeply connected to myself; and i pray that with your guidance, i can never lose sight of who i am and my purpose on this earth. I can never lose sight of our ancestors whose blistered feet dug footprints into the rich soil and plethora of sand on the Philippine islands— speaking proudly of our language, wearing proudly of our carefully woven cloths and tribal brandings that ran along their arms, necks, and backs— to fight against colonialism and the overtaking of our people, culture, and land. 

1:30

  your spirit guides me to lead in love and compassion; to let go of greed and ego; to love in nature and the higher power; and to pour into myself, our people, and our communities.

2:00

  i’m hungry now. i can see the birds outside my window are now nestled into the tree branches, resting, for a moment. i hope your spirit is peacefully resting. it’s time to nourish myself again. 

My Lola Suellen, in her twenties.

My Lola Suellen’s funeral. She was so dearly loved.